Titleless

by Marmalade and "Brains and Spirit"

This ended up in my inbox for reasons I cannot explain... but the cat was on the keyboard.. (Says B/S with tongue firmly in cheek)

Good Day. It is come to my attention that a number of you are interested in the pet situation in the Russell-Holmes household of Sussex, England. Allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Marmalade, gentleman cat at large, and I have the honour to serve as Chief Feline in Residence and Head Domestic Manager of said establishment. I am ably assisted in these efforts by Mrs. Martha Hudson. I was in fact introduced to the household at that good lady's request, owing to an unfortunate proliferation of vermin. Needless to say that problem no longer exists, but when one lives in the country, constant vigilance is necessary. It is my duty and privilege to provide the same to the household that is under my protection. I also owe my nom to Mrs. Hudson, as she maintains that my colouring resembles a food product of that name.

My situation is generally an agreeable one. The putative master of the establishment, Mr. Holmes, is as fine a gentleman as ever scratched behind the ears of a deserving feline (and aren't we all deserving?) No sentiment, no ridiculous endearments, just that lovely scratching, and a courteous "Beg pardon old chap, didn't realise you were there," on those occasions when he must displace me from my basket chair by the fire.

Miss Russell, the putative mistress is a most agreeable woman as well. She is fond of writing and any area where she words is generally most agreeably flat,to with a fascinating topography of books and papers for me to explore. She is also fond of reading, and presents a lap slightly more comfortable than that of Mr Holmes for me to nap in while she does.

Both Mr. Holmes and Miss Russell are absent at times, pursuing something called "Academia" or "Cases." Or sometimes both. I have learned to tolerate this, as my needs are seen to most ably by my assistant, Mrs. Hudson, if they are not here. She seems glad of my company at these times even if she does have the unfortunate habit of calling me "puss, puss, puss" while putting down my requisite saucer of morning cream.

There is really only one area where I do not see eye to eye with my people. Miss Russell is possessed of the most beautiful hair I have ever seen on a human. She normally keeps it confined, but when she loosens it, sweeps down her back in a glorious cascade, a veritable river of light that simply begs for the swipe of a paw. I am, however, most sternly forbidden to pursue this line of inquiry. It is really most unjust, as she graciously permits Mr. Holmes to take it down and play with it when he likes. I am also most unfairly evicted from the bedroom if my presence is detected during these activities. Truly regrettable. However, I have the utmost faith in my ability to make them see the unreasonableness of their position, given time and sufficient explanation from outside the bedroom door.

Well I am afraid that I must be going, Mrs. Hudson is preparing a steak kidney pie, which naturally requires my close supervision. After that I think I shall visit the laboratory. Mr. Holmes habit of leaving his sandwiches uneaten when engrossed in an experiment, which means I can usually obtain a pleasant refreshment there to sustain me in my endeavours. Then I believe I shall nap on Miss Russell's desk. Someone in this establishment must protect her papers, and who better than myself?

Trusting that I have enlightened you, I remain,
No-one's obedient servant

Marmalade