Props

A document labeled "Last Will and Testament" in bold letters.
A box of cigars and an 8 by 10 photo
A contract with the words CONTRACT and "joint tenency with rights of survivorship" spelled out on it.
A magnifying glass used by Sherwood. (because he is farsighted)
Two posters: One showing Victorian gardens.
The other shows a blob. (modern art)
A tray for the butler to carry.
A feather duster for Rossi.
Several glasses
A table and two chairs

Cast

Louise: Owner of The British Teagarden
granddaughter to the late Mr. Lingua

Sherwood Forester: A friend of Louise.
He consults her when purchasing clothing.

Mr. Rossi: The proprietor of an antique shop on
Beauchamps Street in Knightsbridge.

Dr. Witfield: Sherwood’s comic sidekick

Narrator 1 : He/She explains the background and setting information. The narrator dresses entirely in black to distinguish him from the other characters.

Narrator 2: He describes the setting and other information. He dresses entirely in blue to distinguish him from other characters.

Mr. Phil Singer, The Butler: He serves at Louise's party.

Count Bellini: A guest at the party.

Sandra Richman: A guest at the party.

Prologue

The Narrator enters carrying a document labeled "Last Will and Testament."

Narrator 1: (announces the following message to the audience.) The late Mr. Lingua taught French at the University of London until 1985. After his retirement, he became the head of the London Orthography Association. He devoted many hours to raising money for a fund dedicated to the preservation of national historic monuments in London. God rest his soul. Here is his final bequest.(reads from will) I hereby bequeath all of my antique paintings and furniture and any other property I may have whether real or personal to my only known living relative, my granddaughter, Louise Lingua.

Narrator 2: Louise performed an inventory of the estate and was surprised to find that several paintings she had previously seen in her grandfather's apartment were missing from the walls. She learned from the neighbors that he maintained a booth at an antique store on Beauchamps Street in Knightsbridge. He had started to leave a few paintings there to sell on consignment.

Scene I

(enter Narrator 1)

Narrator 1: We're at the antique shop on Beauchamps street. Louise has decided to meet with Mr. Rossi, the manager, in an effort to reclaim the paintings.

Louise appears at the antique shop and encounters a less than friendly Mr. Rossi who explained that Mr. Linqua had written a joint tenancy agreement in regard to the paintings.

Louise: "Hello, I'm Louise Lingua, the sole heir of the Leonard Lingua estate and owner of the British Teagarden on King Street. I believe that you are holding some paintings here for me. I'll send a driver around with a mini-van to pick them up this afternoon."

Rossi: "Not so fast lady. I have legal rights in this manner." (Rossi produces a document that is burned around the edges. At the top of the document can be found the word CONTRACT in large letters.) "Here lady, Let me read it to you. In consideration for Giovanni Rossi's services in providing a booth and selling Lingua's paintings, the paintings will be considered to be held in joint tenency with rights of survivorship. Should one party to this agreement perish, the other party shall become the owner of the paintings. For each painting sold, Rossi shall keep 5% of the sales price and remit the remaining funds to Lingua. Signed Giovanni Rossi and Leonard Lingua. The contract is in Lingua's handwriting. It's signed by both of us. All the paintings are my property."

(Louise examines the contract)

Louise: "Well the handwriting looks authentic. The signature looks authentic. But, maybe I should take it to my lawyer."

(At just that moment, Louise emits a gasp of recognition. She sees a painting on the wall that used to hang by the grand piano in her grandfather's flat. A large price tag with the amount L2,500 hangs from the painting.)

Louise: "Oh, this one used to hang by the grand piano in my grandfather's flat.(She walks over to the painting.) Grandpa told me all about this one; (she points to the painting) it's Hampton Court and people are strolling through the gardens. On the bottom left corner it's signed Victorian Gardens 1825, Thomas Rowlandson - My grandfather was particularly fond of this one."

Rossi: "Take it lady, and don't come back.(Mr. Rossi growls.) Think of it as an out of court settlement. "He waves his cigar in her face and a red and yellow band is noticeably visible. He stubs it out and places it along with several others in a nearby ashtray.

(Louise carefully lifts the painting down from the wall).

Louise: "Very well, I'll take it. I'm a very busy person. I don't have time to make a fuss. By the way, I'm giving a party Friday night. Would you care to come?"

Rossi:"No thanks, I have to dust all these antiques on Friday."

(exit Louise)

(Rossi picks up a feather duster and dusts his way off stage.)

Narrator I: (to the audience) "Hey did you see that price tag 2,500 pounds. That would buy a lot of Cadbury bars! Wow I bet that painting is going up in Louise's own living room." (Narrator I leaves the stage and Narrator II enters)

Scene II

(enter Narrators 1 and 2)

Narrator 1: Louise lives in a brick house on a street called The Green, nearby the famous Abbey Road Studios in the city of Westminster. Her yard is neatly manicured. In the back there is a large stone patio connected to a path leading around to the front of the house.

Narrator 2: It's Friday night. Louise is throwing a party at an elegant house on a street called The Green. "Hey, she did put that Hampton Court painting on the wall?"

Narrator 1: "I'll bet she put it in the guest bedroom".

Narrator 2: "Wrong, old chap. It's in the family room that adjoins the outdoor patio. She has it illuminated with a ceiling light above the fireplace."

Narrator 1: "Am I invited to the party?"

Narrator 2: "No mate, I'm afraid that she puts narrators in the same class as gardeners. I hear that she invited her friend, the wealthy amateur sleuth, Sherwood Forester, to the party though. And Count Bellini from Florence is coming in right now. Let's listen in to what the guests are saying."

(Exit Narrators 1 & 2 to the sidelines). (One narrator holds a hand to his ear to indicate that he is still listening.)

(Enter Butler with a tray - he stands still with his head tilted slightly upward.)

(enter Count who approaches the Butler)

Count: "Do you know who I am?"

Butler: "No Sir."

Count: "I am Count Bellini from Firenze, Italia." (The Count clicks his heels and stands erect.)

Butler:"Sir?"

Count: "I'm a bit down on my luck. Do you think you could lend me a few pounds?"

Butler: "Sir, I'm only the butler. However, please feel free to stuff some biscuits, chocolates, and pastries in your pockets. They should put a few pounds on you."

(The Count exits looking disgusted.)

(The Butler, Mr. Singer, remains standing in the room in the same position)

(enter Sandra Richman and Sherwood)

Sandra: "Hel-lo, you must be Mr. Forester. I'm Sandra Richman, Ms. Lingua's interior decorator."

Sherwood: "Pleased to meet you, I'm about to become Ms. Lingua's private detective."

(We hear a female voice Screaming "Oh No Oh No." Louise runs onstage looking distressed)

Sherwood: "I couldn't help but hear your cries of distress. Tell me what happened."

Louise: "Oh ... words cannot describe my sense of loss and anguish. The Rowlandson painting, which hangs over the fire place in the family room has disappeared. A few minutes ago, I went into the family room and noticed an empty space above the mantle. Then I saw that the doors to the patio were ajar."

Sandra: “Oh no, a thief.”

Sherwood: "Allow me to be of service my lady. I will investigate."

(Sherwood bows and exits to the right).

(Louise exits to the left).

(exit Mr. Singer).

(enter Narrators 1 and 2)

Narrator 1: (to the audience) "I think the Count did it. He was certainly down on his luck, and looking for a way to make money fast." (exit Narrator 1)

Narrator 2: "Everyone remain calm. Sherwood is on the trail. I know exactly how he is proceeding at this very minute. First he enters the family room. He notices that the burglar in his haste has ripped the nail upon which the painting hung - out of the wall. Then he finds the nail lying on top of the mantle. Now he shifts his gaze to the two patio doors that are opened outward. The pale transparent white curtains around the doors blow out of the window, pushed gently skyward by a fan from across the room. Sherwood walks outside onto the patio. His trained gaze falls immediately upon the wet stub of a Churchill cigar butt with a red and yellow band."

(Exit Narrator)

(Enter Sherlock, looking at the ground. Bending down, he picks up the cigar and frowns at it.)

(Louise enters.)

Sherwood: "Look what I found here near the back patio."(He holds the cigar out for her inspection.)

Louise: "That cigar belongs to the thief. I saw smoke blowing in the room when I first entered it."

By this time, some of the other guests had come around to find out what is happening. (The Count and Sandra Richman appear holding glasses full of water.)

Louise: "Everyone, go back in to the party. There is nothing we can do now to retrieve the painting. I will ring the police in the morning and fill out the papers."

Count: "At least none of your modern art was stolen; you have quite a collection here. Your Mondrian is still in its place."

(exit all.)

Scene III

(enter Narrator 2).

Narrator II: "We are at Louise's house, Sherwood and Louise are sitting at a chrome table with a pseudo marble top discussing the crime. Louise has just finished telling Sherwood about her visit to the antique shop, and her acquisition of the painting."

Louise: "I can't thank you enough for looking into this matter Sherwood. My grandfather had a lot of hobbies, in addition to his interest in orthography he collected antique paintings." (She holds out an 8 by 10 photo for Sherwood to look at).

Louise: "The stolen painting is called Victorian Gardens. See it is signed and titled by the artist in the corner of the painting." Sherwood: (using his magnifying glass) "Yes, I see, Victorian Gardens, 1825. Charming. By the way, do you like my tie?"

Louise:"Sorry, I don't like your tie. Stripes don't become you. They are often associated with criminals. You are best off with solids and paisleys."

Sherwood: "Quite right. Well, I think I'll go have a talk with Mr. Rossi."

Louise: "Yes, and I'm off to mind the tea room." (exit Sherwood. exit Louise.)

Scene IV

Narrator 1: "The antique store 337 Montpelier, Knightsbridge."

(Rossi walks on stage pretending to dust. Sherwood enters.)

(We see Rossi dusting the antiques as Forester enters.)

Sherwood: "Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Sherwood Forester. I'm a friend of Louise Lingua. She took a Rowlandson painting off your hands earlier this week."

Rossi: "Well sending her gentleman friend here won't do her any good. She isn't getting anything else. I have a contract."

Sherwood: "Would you mind if I looked at the contract?"

Rossi: "I've got nothing to hide. Lingua wrote this himself." (Rossi hands over a copy of the contract).

(Sherwood reads the contract silently.)

Sherwood: "There is a spelling error in this contract. Tenancy t-e-n-e-n-c-y." (He puts his magnifying glass on top of the word, and he shows the contract to the audience).

Rossi: "Oh you're quite the barrister, aren't you?" Well I can inform you that I've been in this business twenty years and a misspelled word has nothing to do with the validity of the contract."

Sherwood: "Right you are." (As Sherwood exits he glares conspicuously at a box of Churchill cigars with a red and yellow band identical to the one found on the grass the night of the theft.)

(Exit both parties).

Scene V

(enter Narrator 2).

Narrator 2: "We are now at Sherwood Forester's family room on Nottingham Street. Mr. Forester is discussing his case with his friend Dr. Witfield."

Sherwood: "Witfield, do you know what an orthographer does?"

Witfield: "Doesn't he study birds?"

Sherwood: "Wrong Witfield; he crusades for the improvement of spelling. The head of an orthography association would have to be an expert speller." An expert speller would never misspell an easy word like tenancy in a contract that he wrote himself. Therefore the contract between Lingua and Rossi was a forgery."

Witfield:"You're amazing Sherwood."

Sherwood: "I think its time for me to pay a visit to Ms. Lingua."

Scene VI

Narrator 1: "Sherwood arrives at Ms. Lingua's house. He begins a discussion concerning her fine collection of modern and impressionistic art."

Sherwood: "Is your Manet an original?"

Louise: "No, but my Piet Mondrian is authentic."

Sherwood: "An old fashioned painting like the Rowlandson must have seemed out of place with your modern art. I'm trying to put the pieces of this mystery together, but some just won't go into place. Hmmmmm... I wonder how smoke could have been blowing into the room the night of the theft with the fan blowing against it."

Louise: "Err- thank you Mr. Forester. At first glance, many things seem to be unexplainable here."

Sherwood:"What is the name of this painting?" (He points to the blob painting that has been tacked up on the wall.)

Louise: "It's called Internal Stomach Disorder. You will have to excuse me now. I have business to attend to."

Sherwood: "Certainly."

(The characters walk off stage in separate directions).

(enter Sherwood and Witfield).

Scene VII

(enter Narrator 2).

Narrator 2: "We are back to Sherwood's family room at his house on Nottingham St. Dr. Witfield and Mr. Forester are having a conversation about the theft." (They are both sitting at a table.)

Witfield: "Tell me more about your new case involving Ms. Lingua, Sherwood."

Sherwood: "I believe that Louise Lingua will probably find the allegedly stolen painting hidden on her property and restore it to its rightful place. Now, she will be afraid to try to collect the money from her insurance company. Ms. Lingua planted that cigar outside so that it would appear that Mr. Rossi came to reclaim the painting."

Witfield: "Yes, but isn't it plausible that Rossi did come back for the painting?"

Sherwood: "Witfield, the painting is a fake. The word "Victorian" describes the Victorian era. Queen Victoria wouldn't be crowned until 1837,- another decade after the date on the painting.The gardens wouldn’t be described as Victorian until years after Rowlandson’s death. That's why Mr. Rossi would be unlikely to steal it. He knew it wasn't a true Rowlandson. I suspect that Ms. Lingua had no true attachment to the painting. It doesn't exactly match with her chrome decor and brightly colored modern and impressionistic art."

Witfield: "You are brilliant, as always Sherwood."

(exit Sherwood and Witfield).

Epilogue

(enter Narrator 2).

Narrator 2: "Most fortunately, two days later Ms. Lingua called Sherwood and informed him that she had found the missing painting hidden in a garage on her property. When Sherwood confronted Mr. Rossi with his suspicions about the forged contract, Rossi offered to give all of the Lingua paintings to charity. When Sherwood wrote to Ms. Lingua about this idea, she heartily gave her consent. To celebrate the successful conclusion of this case, Mr. Forester bought himself a Churchill cigar, with a red and yellow band, and perhaps he is smoking it at this very minute.

Alternate Epilogue:

Most fortunately, the case is solved.
The painting found - the mystery resolved.
Inside the garage, it was discovered,
Tucked inside an auto cover.
Ms. Lingua hung it on the wall
And gave Sherwood- a thank you call.
Meanwhile, to avoid a charge of forgery
Mr. Rossi donated the art to charity.
To this, Ms. Lingua gave her consent.
She had plenty of money to pay the rent.
And Sherwood sends us his very best.
He bids us farewell and takes his rest.
I hear that presently in a coffee bar
We can find him smoking a Churchill cigar.